Earlier this week, I had an enlightening conversation with a fellow recovering people pleaser. We were pondering the question:
“If I'm no longer a people pleaser, does that mean I’m no longer a “nice” person?”
And it’s a fair question.
When you’re a habitual people pleaser, the fear of upsetting others and coming across as “mean” or “horrible” can hold you back from wanting to recover from those people pleasing habits.
But the conclusion we came to was that there’s a difference between being “nice” and being “kind”.
As a recovering people pleaser, I've learned the hard way that being "nice" isn't always the same as being "kind."
For years, my desire to avoid conflict and seek approval from others led me down the path of being overly accommodating, telling people what they wanted to hear, even if it meant burying the truth.
However, my journey to breaking free from habitual people pleasing has taught me a valuable lesson: true kindness lies in honesty and authenticity, not in simply being agreeable.
Just because you’re saying “No” to things you may have previously said “Yes” to before, doesn’t mean you’re an unkind, horrible, or mean person. It means you’re setting healthy boundaries and speaking up for yourself.
As always, don’t be a dick while setting these boundaries, but you are allowed to still be a happy, positive and optimistic person and have healthy boundaries.
While you’re transitioning from “Nice” to “Kind” you should be prepared for some pushback from those around you.
It might be hard for some to accept this as “kindness”, because they’re so used to you always being nice, and agreeable.
When you start to set boundaries, they might be taken aback. They might think "WTF, who is this person?"
If people in your life question you about your new-found confidence and honesty and don’t like it, I’d strongly urge you to consider being “kind” to yourself and creating some distance from them. Or reconsider their motives within the friendship. Because your true friends should accept and respect your boundaries.
"The weak strive to be nice. The strong strive to be kind. And sometimes kindness hurts" - Alex Hormozi
Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle doesn't mean relinquishing your ability to be kind, positive, and optimistic. In fact, it allows you to embrace these qualities more authentically and genuinely.
And there’s even neuroscientific evidence to back this up.
Neuroscience offers fascinating insights into the difference between being “kind” and being “nice”.
When you engage in people-pleasing behaviours, your brain's reward system is triggered, releasing dopamine as a response to social acceptance. This dopamine release reinforces the cycle of seeking validation through niceness.
However, the temporary high of being liked by others comes at the cost of suppressing your true thoughts and feelings. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and a loss of identity.
Which is bad.
Being kind, on the other hand, involves a more balanced approach. It allows you to practise empathy and compassion, not just for others, but also for yourself.
Which is good.
Neurologically, acts of genuine kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, promoting bonding and trust. When you’re authentic and honest, you build stronger connections with others, fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
For example, if you don’t like your colleagues shirt and it makes them look ridiculous and unprofessional - you’re probably better off telling them (in a kind way) what you really think of it. Although you might hurt their feelings at the time, you’ll build a stronger relationship based on honesty and integrity in the long run.
Embracing Boundaries, Elevating Kindness
As I mentioned earlier, being "nice" is great for those around you, but it often involves suppressing your true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or gain approval.
As I’ve discovered on my people pleasing journey, kindness is about showing empathy, compassion, and understanding without compromising your integrity.
I've learned that authentic kindness requires setting healthy boundaries as well as being respectful of both others' needs and your own.
In all honesty, there are still times when I regularly prioritise others’ feelings over my own, and I struggle to put myself first. But as I’ve mentioned quite a few times, one of the first steps in recovering is being aware of the issue.
I now understand that true kindness involves being honest, and sometimes saying the hard things or making the hard choices, because you’ll be better off in the long run. So now I pay a lot more attention to my honest thoughts on situations and try to put myself first.
By valuing my needs and desires, I hope to show up as the positive and optimistic person that I am because I'm no longer burdened by the weight of constantly pleasing others.
Shifting from people-pleasing to genuine kindness has made me more confident and assertive. Instead of avoiding uncomfortable conversations, I strive to approach them with compassion and honesty, knowing that addressing issues directly is an essential aspect of having healthier relationships.
I know it’s uncomfortable to lean into honesty, because people might hate it. And we hate being uncomfortable as people pleasers. But stick with it, because you’ll be better off in the long run!
Spice up your nice, be kind and unwind.
So in answer to my burning question from earlier, If I'm no longer a people pleaser, does that mean I'm not a "nice" person?
Absolutely not.
So next time you find yourself worrying about coming across mean or unkind when you speak your mind, remember that sometimes kindness hurts. But you’re ultimately better off by being honest with those around you.
Being honest brings you closer. Being honest builds stronger relationships. And if being honest rubs people up the wrong way because they’re used to you being agreeable, don’t back down because that’s what setting boundaries feels like!
Letting go of the people-pleasing habit doesn't make us any less nice. Instead, it liberates us to be even kinder, positive, and optimistic, because our actions are no longer driven by the need for validation - but driven by honesty.
Be kind, don’t be a dick, and speak your mind!
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