When was the last time you committed to a personal project for a full 3 months?
Not a boring work thing. But something you really wanted to do for yourself?
Believe it or not, I’ve been writing this blog for 3 months now. 13 weeks. 90 days.
It might not feel like that long for you, but this is a pretty big deal for me.
This is the first milestone I wanted to hit in pursuit of my ultimate goal with this site - to keep writing blog posts weekly for one year.
The reason I set myself this goal is because in the past I’ve given up on things at the first sign of resistance. But I know I have it in me to battle through and accomplish this thing I set out to do.
I’ve spoken before about struggling with the fear of starting something new due to fear of failure, which leads to procrastination and eventually to inaction. But I knew I needed a tangible goal to stay motivated and prove to myself I could commit to something once I’d started it.
So as I hit the first 90 day milestone, I decide to go back and look at the very first post. The one that started it all, and reflect on my progress.
When I started this blog, I was in the early stages of my people pleasing recovery, and to be honest I’m not that much further ahead in the grand scheme.
But one of the things I’ve become a lot better at, is acknowledging when I’m saying yes to something out of guilt, or because I fear conflict.
This means I’m actually thinking before I act or commit to something.
In the first “Confessions” post, I called this process The Honesty Appraisal:
Take a deep breath and think; is this something I actually want to do? Is this what I really think? Or am I agreeing out of guilt because it’s the path of least resistance?
And as this is an area where I’ve actually made some progress, I thought I’d break this down a little further.
So here we go!
The weight of guilt
I think of guilt as a ball and chain.
It's something that weighs us down and prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. When we agree to do things out of guilt, we're basically chaining ourselves to someone else's needs.
We need to learn to break free from the ball and chain of guilt. We need to learn to say no, and we need to learn to set boundaries. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
In the journey of recovering from being a people pleaser, one crucial aspect that messes with your head is guilt.
It's crazy how guilt can silently infiltrate your decision-making and make you agree to things you don't genuinely want to do.
Guilt makes you take the path of least resistance, sacrificing your own desires and convictions just to please others.
Imagine being caught in the current of a river and going with the flow without thinking or acting. Just bobbing your way towards a big-ass waterfall ignoring the fact that the fall is gonna hurt like hell.
That's exactly what happens when we let guilt dictate our choices.
By constantly referring back to The Honesty Appraisal, it turns out that we have a superpower to fight against this guilt. All we have to do is take a deep breath and think about what we really, truly want.
By taking a tiny moment before committing and asking yourself, "Do I really want to do this? Is this what I believe in?", you might realise that the thing you were about to say yes to doesn’t align with your boundaries. Or beliefs. And should probably be avoided.
We cannot, and should not, let outside pressure make us sacrifice our own desires and convictions to appease others.
Drawing a line in the sand
When I first discovered and developed the idea of the Honesty Appraisal, I was reading a blog from author, investor, and entrepreneur Tim Ferriss where he mentions how guilt can be a useful tool to discover where our values and morals lie.
Guilt draws a line in the sand, like a boundary between what we truly believe and what others want us to do.
I’ve noticed that when I find myself agreeing to something out of guilt, I get physical symptoms in my body that I should pay attention to.
Usually it’s a knotted stomach, a tightness in the chest or even a general feeling of unease and discomfort. Do you get this too?
When thinking before acting, we allow time to ask ourselves important questions, and our bodies will tell us if we’re doing something for the right reasons.
This is because our minds and bodies are way more connected than we realise.
When we encounter situations that trigger guilt or the pressure to please others, our body's stress response is activated.
In these situations, the sympathetic branch of the Autonomic Nervous System (or ANS) is activated, leading to the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.
This physiological response gets us ready for "fight or flight”, which leads to increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and muscle tension - all those physical symptoms we just spoke about.
These bodily signals act as a feedback mechanism, alerting us that we might be compromising our authentic selves in favour of people pleasing.
In short, our bodies are like secret messengers, saying, "Hey, this isn't right for you!"
How to know when to say “no”
These physical symptoms are a pretty great indicator of when something’s not right.
So whenever you encounter these physical cues, stop.
Take a moment and check in with yourself. Run through an Honesty Appraisal.
Ask yourself if saying "yes' ' aligns with what you actually want and whether it brings you joy or fulfilment, or if guilt is creeping its way in.
Soon you’ll be able to better recognise when guilt or the fear of conflict is influencing your decisions.
If you realise that this is something you want to do, then embrace the opportunity with confidence. However, if saying "yes" only appeases others and sacrifices your well-being, that’s when you need to fight your people pleasing and set a healthy boundary.
Bear in mind, this is hard. I still struggle with setting boundaries. And so I feel those physical discomfort symptoms regularly.
But if you’re going to start setting boundaries, you should communicate assertively and honestly, expressing your needs and limitations as best you can.
When saying “no”, you don’t have to be a dick about it. Saying “no” can actually be an act of self-care - something you should never feel guilty for.
Remember you still need to say yes to the good things in life. Things that do align with your values. Or things that will be fun!
Life is far too short to be saying “no” all the time, but make sure you’re agreeing and doing the things that mean the most to you. You deserve it.
Honestly applying the Honesty Appraisal
When I look back on these past three months of writing this blog, I realise how much I've grown in my journey to break free from guilt and people-pleasing.
Committing to this blog for 90 days was a big milestone, a goal that proved to myself that I could persevere and follow through on something important to me.
As part of that process over the last 90 days, I feel I’ve grown to become a better person. Better equipped to deal with situations that trigger my people pleasing.
And I now regularly implement the Honesty Appraisal. Although there’s still a lot of room for improvement, I’m now asking myself if what I’m agreeing to is because it aligns with my true desires and beliefs or if I’m succumbing to guilt and fear of conflict.
I discovered that guilt was like a boundary, drawing a line in the sand between my genuine values and the expectations of others. And my body is the secret messenger that tells me when something ain’t right.
When I feel any discomfort in decision making, or a feeling of a knotted stomach, these cues urge me to pause and evaluate my choices.
Learning to recognise and respect these bodily messages allowed me to make decisions based on my true feelings and values. It’s liberating to say "no" when necessary, to communicate assertively and set healthy boundaries. Even though it’s challenging, it’s an act of self-care and I know can’t feel guilty about that.
As I move forward in my people-pleasing recovery, I understand that life is about finding balance.
Saying "yes" to what truly aligns with my values and brings joy, and learning to say "no" when needed. It's an ongoing journey, but I'm determined to continue embracing the good things in life while staying true to myself.
Life's too short to be bound by guilt and the expectations of others. Embrace your true self, set those boundaries, and find the courage to live a life that's authentic, fulfilling, and aligned with your heart's desires.
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