Have you ever heard the phrase “he’s happy-go-lucky”?
Well, that’s how I’ve been described by everyone from my Mum, to my teachers, to my doctor.
I’d sail through life with seemingly not a care in the world, brushing off any negativity like water off a duck's back.
Something that comes naturally to me, and hopefully to you too, is a bias towards everything being sunny side up.
Surely being able to brush off any bad situation and pick myself back up is a good thing, right?
But what about when bad shit happens? Shit that stresses me out. Shit that, if truth be told, makes me kinda depressed.
Like at 26, when I once again packed up my life and moved halfway across the world from Auckland to London - a classic pilgrimage for antipodeans like myself.
I was on such a high! I’d left everything behind and I was ready for my 2-year “Life-hiatus” to create new memories and enjoy my European working holiday.
But it almost unravelled in spectacular fashion less than 3-months in.
I was bouncing around staying on friends' couches and renting temporary sublets - but hadn’t yet landed a job.
Between trips away to European cities and paying for temporary rooms, my savings were dwindling and reality was about to hit me real quick.
At one stage, I realised I wouldn’t have enough money to pay for another room and I was all out of friends' couches to crash on. I was eating 69p pizzas from Tesco and scraping together coins to buy Fosters - my refreshing beverage of choice - from the local off-licence. Probably not my finest moment.
Still though, I was riding high - blissfully ignorant to my plight, and in full blown denial that my journey might come to an end at any moment.
It all came to a head one sunny afternoon in June 2018. I was waiting for a call back from a recruiter and sitting in Hampstead Heath. The call came and it was yet another rejection from a company that wouldn’t give a job to someone on a 2-year visa.
I hung up the phone and out of nowhere, I completely broke down. I just started sobbing, uncontrollably.
I didn’t want that particular job, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back and all of a sudden I had this huge out-pouring of emotion - in a public park no less...
It was the wake up call I needed.
When I arrived in the UK I’d been so determined to make it work and had I was full of energy, but somewhere along the way I lost track of my north star and was rolling along purely on blind positivity.
I'd been completely ignoring the stressful reality that was building up in my subconscious.
It nearly broke me, and I was incredibly close to packing up and going home, with my tail between my legs…
I had to get back on track and focus on the things that were going to shift the needle. I needed to channel my positivity into something useful - not look for coins down the back of sofas to buy Fosters…
It became clear that I had to rethink the balance of my emotional expression and shift my mindset.
Before this, I'd never really let myself sit with negative emotions. I started to think, maybe when bad stuff happens, I should let it in, and be okay with it.
Why positivity, if left unchecked, kinda sucks
The belief that no matter how shitty the situation or how bad things are going, you should always retain a positive outlook or mindset is often referred to as toxic positivity.
It’s a pretty intense phrase, but what it really means is that you reject or suppress your negative feelings in favour of an often falsely-positive mask.
Whilst being positive has its upsides, being positive all the time can have its drawbacks.
Firstly, it’s not realistic, is it? Unfortunately, as we all know, life has its ups and downs which no one can escape.
By completely ignoring any negativity, you can start to disconnect from reality and might you struggle to deal with difficult emotions when they inevitably pop up.
Secondly, when you’re only positive or always overly positive, you might be masking or avoiding deeper emotional issues. Trust me, I’ve been there and I can confirm that at the time, ignorance is bliss - but when it unravels, it unravels in incredible fashion.
It’s important to remember that you are allowed to feel bad, feel sad, and feel mad. It’s all part of life and a healthy part of emotional expression!
The good news is you’re not alone, and don’t be afraid to reach out and talk about these things - voicing my bad feelings helps me all the time when I’m having a bad day, or feel like I’m stuck in a rut.
Practical tip - Sometimes all it takes is saying to someone, “you know what, today sucks and I don’t really know why.” Acknowledging these feelings, either by speaking or writing about them, has a therapeutic quality which opens your mind, and is the first step towards dealing with whatever it is you’re going through.
Lastly, and speaking of emotional expression, you need to try to keep your emotional expressions in balance. Be aware of all of your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. Especially the ugly…
But it’s not all bad! Positivity is still, well, positive! It just needs to be kept in check with reality.
This is where the optimism equation comes into play:
Optimism = Positivity + Realism.
As my favourite optimist Simon Sinek says, “Optimism is the undying belief that the future is bright, but it’s not a denial of the current state”.
Basically, he’s saying that you can stay happy and positive, as long as you're grounded in reality, acknowledging both positive and negative emotions and being realistic about your circumstances.
Why is optimism still the way to go?
As human beings, we need to have a few “issues” in our lives to really value the other positive things we have. If everything is always great, then nothing is great. Balance is key to keep us in check.
Not to mention, we only truly grow when we face some sort of adversity to make us stronger or more resilient.
Optimists tend to reframe losses, rejections or failures into opportunities for growth and learning. Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed - I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
The great news about optimism, is that like most things to do with the human body, it is a muscle that gets stronger with use. We can actually train our optimism and our power of positive thinking to become a more optimistic person.
But why is it important to be optimistic?
Optimists and people with positive tendencies are generally more resilient and ultimately happier.
To prove this in a corporate context, the “father of Positive Psychology” Martin Seligman, researched the optimism levels of Metlife Insurance agents and had them do a number of tests, including an optimism test.
He found that people who scored higher on the optimism scale performed better, worked harder and therefore became more successful (the optimists outsold pessimists by 31%) - because they saw almost every loss/rejection/failure as a learning experience and bounced back quicker.
Seligman has famously said “It is the combination of reasonable talent and the ability to keep going in the face of defeat that leads to success”.
In a personal context, optimism has also been linked to improved mental and physical health as well as lower stress levels.
Optimists tend to be more aware of their physical health status and what to do to maintain it, as they will take a more self-aware approach to dealing with stressors - instead of ignoring or avoiding them.
Being more self-aware means optimists can manage stress better because they see tough situations as temporary, controllable and are able to find silver linings in the bleakest of scenarios. By being more in control, optimists will experience less anxiety and depression too, which improves overall mental health.
So with all these benefits, it’s clear why we should be more optimistic, but how can we work out our optimism muscles?
Practical tips:
Reframe negative thoughts - whenever you catch a negative thought popping into your head, acknowledge it, then flip it around and reframe it to a positive. For example, change “I can’t do this, I suck” to “I might be stuck right now, but I know I can work on it and improve.”
Focus on solutions, rather than problems - To help flip your mindset to naturally think more optimistically, when facing a challenge, immediately focus on a solution. Clear the negativity from your mind by looking for the way out. This is going to help you feel empowered and optimistic about your ability to overcome obstacles.
Train your brain to find ONE good thing, even in a shit situation - Similar to the above, train your brain to find the positives, always look for the silver lining. Even in a shitty situation, you can find a bright spot. When you’re in a seemingly unsalvageable scenario, it might be that you’re learning to build resilience or grit. The “lesson” can be the one good thing.
Optimism is a muscle that gets stronger with use, so work it out and get stronger everyday
It might not happen overnight, but I can tell you, it will happen.
By acknowledging and dealing with difficult emotions, you can become a more well-rounded and emotionally healthy person. I am still working on it, and have to keep telling myself, it’s all about balance, baby.
As Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, I’ve had to learn optimism backwards - to remind myself to experience the bad stuff and acknowledge reality.
But just like you exercise to work on your body, I try to practice positive thinking and have a solution based mindset to grow my optimism muscles everyday - and I encourage you to do the same.
Remember, optimism equals positivity plus realism.
Don’t forget, you’re the only superhero in your life - you’re big enough to have your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground. So stay positive and let’s optimise our optimism!
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