Do you find yourself apologising for everything?
Saying "sorry" when someone bumps into you or whenever you ask a question?
Do you feel guilty and embarrassed when you apologise, even though you know you haven't done anything wrong?
If so, you're not alone. Because I am exactly the same.
It's incredibly hard to break the "sorry" habit once you’ve developed it – especially if you’re a people pleaser.
It’s so easy to slip into this pattern of behaviour because you want to make sure everyone around you is happy, so you apologise even when you don’t need to.
But here's the thing, constantly saying sorry isn’t good for you. It diminishes your credibility and makes you come across as weak and indecisive.
The good news though, is that you can break this nasty little habit. And the even better news - we're going to do it together!
I’m not going to lie, as I've found out the hard way, it’s going to be difficult to change a behaviour that’s become second nature. Change is hard, I get it, but trust me when I say - once you’ve done it, your life will change forever.
So let’s dive into some practical tips and strategies to stop apologising for everything. It's time to give up the “sorry” habit and take control of your life, one less sorry at a time!
The Fine Line Between Genuine Apologies and Over-Apologising
The “sorry” habit, or over-apologising, is such a common behaviour for many of us. It involves excessively apologising, oftentimes unnecessarily.
But it’s important to understand the difference between a genuine apology and the “sorry” habit.
A genuine apology involves taking responsibility for your actions and expressing remorse and should 100% be used in the right contexts. Whereas the “sorry” habit is an unnecessary apology which you habitually use that can come across as submissive or insincere.
It’s not always clear exactly why we do it, but we over apologise for a variety of reasons - most of which are closely linked to people pleasing tendencies – such as fear of conflict, a desire to please others or even low self-esteem.
What we don’t realise is this bad habit can be detrimental to our mental health and wellbeing, can weaken our relationships and undermine the respect we get from our peers.
When we’re constantly apologising, it sends the message to others that we’re not confident in ourselves, we can’t communicate effectively and we’re not worthy of respect – which obviously isn’t the case. Internally, it strengthens neural pathways solidifying these limiting beliefs, making it harder to break the habit and lowers our confidence and self-esteem.
The goal for those of us that are stuck in the “sorry” habit loop, is to break the cycle and improve self-esteem, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively and authoritatively.
But how do we break this habit?
Identify, Adapt, Overcome - Breaking the “Sorry” Cycle
First things first, we need to identify what situations or interactions trigger our “sorry” habit. This is often in situations where we feel uncomfortable or insecure, or when we feel the need to seek approval from others.
For this step, we will need to take note of all the times throughout the day when we say “sorry”, and then place them into 2x categories – the “sorry” habit category or the genuine apology category.
Once we’ve identified these triggers, we need to do some self-reflection, be honest with ourselves and look at which situations actually require an apology, and which ones don’t.
There will be times throughout the day where our apologies are genuine, but I’d be willing to bet that on any regular day the majority of our apologies fall into the “sorry” habit category.
For me, I always fall into the “sorry” habit when I have to ask someone a question at work – either in person or via email.
It looks like this:
“Sorry to bother you, can I just ask you a question?” or “sorry to chase you on this…”. Being honest with myself, this doesn’t need an apology because I am simply doing my job. I never want to come across as rude, but by apologising, I’m immediately giving up authority in the conversation.
Habit forming expert and author of Atomic Habits, James Clear, says it’s easier to replace a bad habit than to give one up. Therefore, by reframing and changing the language used, we can help develop a new healthier habit.
So, to ensure we maintain authority and respect in any interaction, we can reframe our thoughts and change the language we use when in a “sorry” habit triggering interaction.
In the right context, try replacing “sorry” with a more positive language pattern such as “excuse me” or “thank you”. For example, “excuse me, I need to ask you something” or “Thanks for your earlier email, can you please come back on my follow up question?”
Anything that makes us sound more authoritative and places us as an equal in any interaction is key. Remember, it’s going to be hard to get used to this, but it will change your life.
The Weirder Ways to Break the “Sorry” Cycle
The above tips are the more obvious ways to break the sorry habit, but there are a few more surprising things we can do to help us break these habits.
As mentioned earlier, we often fall into the “sorry” habit when we’re not feeling confident or when we feel uncomfortable.
But what if we can trick our minds into feeling confident?
Pay close attention to your own body language and non-verbal communication when you’re in these scenarios. Try standing up straight, make eye contact and use confident body language – such as squaring yourself to the person you’re talking to and opening up your shoulders. Doing this can convey a sense of assertiveness and confidence which can reduce the need for apologies.
Being confident in your body language will probably come more naturally to some of you than to others, but if you need a little more help boosting your confidence before a “sorry” habit interaction, try practising mindfulness or meditation.
Techniques like deep calming breaths to slow your mind down and positive self-talk to amp yourself up work wonders when preparing for a triggering interaction.
Truth be told, our minds are pretty simple and they’re easily tricked, so if you repeatedly tell yourself that you know what you’re talking about and you’re the expert, then you will believe it. Mantras like “I’m the expert” or “I’m simply doing my job” are perfect in these scenarios.
Doing these things will lead to an increase in self-esteem, confidence and reduce the need for apologies - which is exactly what we want, right?
Realistically, breaking the “sorry” habit is going to require a combination of different strategies that will be different for everyone. Experiment with any or all of the above until you find what works for you.
“But what if they think I’m rude?”
Now the people pleaser in you might be thinking, “but what if I come across as rude or inconsiderate?”; Or “aren’t apologies necessary for maintaining healthy relationships”?
These are common questions when you’re trying to break out of the “sorry” habit.
But you have to remember, there’s a difference between assertiveness and aggression, and standing up for yourself doesn’t have to involve being rude or disrespectful. By using clear, concise language and expressing ourselves in a calm and respectful manner, we can communicate effectively without resorting to excessive apologies.
Not to mention the benefits of breaking the “sorry” habit far outweigh the risks – such as more authentic relationships with those around us, increased self-esteem, and better communication.
Once again, it’s not going to be easy but when you find your technique for breaking the “sorry” habit, your life is going to change for the better.
Say sorry, not sorry, to saying sorry!
It can be daunting trying to change something that has been ingrained in your subconscious for so long, but it is possible to break the “sorry” habit once you’re aware of and can understand the triggers.
Remember, you’re not alone!
It’s an incredibly common habit that stops you, and many others, getting the most out of your lives because of constant, needless apologies.
But by identifying the triggers and changing your language patterns, you can develop a new habit that reinforces your self-esteem and authority in any interaction.
You have the power to take control of your life and create positive, lasting habits that will benefit you in countless ways.
Maybe you'll feel more confident and focused at work, and this newfound confidence might lead to a promotion. Or perhaps you'll be able to enjoy more quality time with your loved ones because you finally told your manager you’re too busy to pick up more work.
The possibilities are endless!
By removing “sorry” from your vocabulary, you can overcome the obstacles that have held you back in the past and move forward with confidence and determination.
So go ahead. Take control of your beautiful life, one less sorry at a time!
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