... And remembering a great man.
Disclaimer - This week's Thoughts for Thursday's post is an emotional one to write - and a little different.
I don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post but writing this is cathartic for me I guess.
And maybe one day, someone might be going through something similar and can relate. Or feel a sense of comfort from these words. Who knows.
My Grandfather, affectionately known to all of us as Poppa Tom, sadly passed away this past week - and it’s sent me into a bit of a spin.
My Poppa Tom was a fucking legend. An incredibly cheery, happy and patient man who brought so much joy to everyone around him.
Even in his final days all the doctors and nurses adored him.
He was constantly winding up my Nana, Mum, aunty and sister and he kept his wicked sense of humour right until the end.
As he was getting older, he’d go through peaks and troughs, good days and bad days. But was still powering on with his usual sense of humour, cheeky grin and watching his favourite TV show, The Chase.
Sadly, he took a turn last week and was taken back to hospital.
Despite a valiant effort from him, his body was too weak to continue and he peacefully passed away in his sleep surrounded by our family.
Although he was getting old, his death has hit us all pretty hard as he was such a positive part of many people’s lives.
I’m really struggling to come to terms with how to grieve and what I’m supposed to be feeling.
What’s making it worse is that I’m on the other side of the world away from my family and I can’t help feeling guilty for being so far away during this time.
I know it’s my choice to be here, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
And that sucks.
At this stage I feel like I haven’t processed any negative emotions. I’ve been pushing them down, pushing them away and walking around without feeling much of anything.
I haven’t properly cried yet and I’m scared it’ll all come at once at a really inconvenient time.
I think because I wasn’t seeing him everyday it’s taking longer to figure this out.
But it’s always amazing to me that the right advice seems to land in your lap when you need it most.
My nana sent me a Facebook message this week which was part advice from someone with more experience, and part encouragement.
The advice was “everyone grieves in different ways - so take your time with it and be kind to yourself.”
These words really hit home and are exactly what I needed to hear.
And while the words are comforting and validating, I just need to figure out “how to grieve” and ignore my habitual people pleasing tendencies.
My little grief callous
Poppa Tom’s passing is one of the first major deaths I’ve experienced - which actually means I’ve been quite lucky. But the flip side of this also means I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with losing someone so close to me.
You might remember my recent post about “micro-grief” where I spoke about how you can go through the grieving process with losses at any level. But the depth of grief we feel is relative to what has come before and how big your “grief callous” is.
While I experience micro-griefs on a regular basis, I’m still new to a loss of this magnitude so my “grief callous” is pretty small.
As I don’t have much experience in this, I’ve just been winging it, not really sure how to react next.
Because I live on the other side of the world from my Poppa, I wasn’t seeing him everyday like the rest of my family who were looking after him.
So on that level, my day-to-day life hasn't really changed, except there’s a giant Poppa Tom shaped hole in my heart - and that makes me feel guilty, which I’m struggling to get to terms with.
How my people pleasing is impacting this process
As a habitual people pleaser, my usual go-to in this scenario would be to take on the role of “caretaker” for others, and ignore my own grieving process.
But now I’m forced to immediately deal with only my grief, it’s very confronting.
I’ve found my people pleasing has shown up in 3x major ways during my current grieving process:
1. Difficulty in expressing and processing emotions properly (even to myself)
2. Fear of burdening others
3. Feeling guilty about where I’m at in the grieving process, leading to neglecting self-care
People pleasers like me often struggle to express and process emotions authentically because of a deep-down subconscious fear that our grief may burden or upset people around us. And usually without good reason.
I’m definitely feeling lost and suppressing the bad shit, putting on a brave face without even realising it.
The world seems to have had its shine taken off it, and sometimes it’s harder to maintain an optimistic attitude.
It’s weird but life just carries on. Time doesn’t wait for you to grieve and do your thing so you need to figure out your process and get on with it.
But I am incredibly grateful
I know this all sounds very dramatic, but I am extremely grateful that I have so many incredible memories with Poppa.
He was a hilarious, loving, bright shining light in my life for 31 years. I’m lucky to have spent a huge amount of time with him and nana growing up and they provided us with so much love and kindness.
I’d like to think that I’ve been gifted with his smile, his sense of humour and his love for the world’s greatest beer, Lion Red - and I know he’s going to live on in all of us for years to come.
Thank you Poppa for being such a positive role model for me and continuing to fight on for as long as you did. You’re a legend.
Be kind to yourself
While writing this I’ve realised that people pleasing tendencies show up in the strangest ways in all facets of life, but it’s perfectly normal.
Nana’s advice is so right, and I need to remind myself that everyone's grief journey is unique and that is okay. There’s no “right” way to do it.
Grief is a natural and necessary process. It’ll take time but I will eventually accept the reality that Poppa’s gone and I won’t get to share another Lion Red with him.
I know there’s a time to be sad, but for every sad moment I can take solace in the fact that I’ve got a million more happy ones - and that’s what I’m going to remember.
And in the meantime, I’ll remember to be kind to myself.
If you’re still reading, thank you.
Like I said earlier I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of this, but getting these thoughts down has helped me make sense of the emotions swirling around inside my head. Maybe one day it’ll help you too.
P.S - My final words to Poppa Tom
Thanks for providing so much love, kindness, humour, support and patience to our lives. I loved the way your eyes lit up whenever you saw any of us.
There’s going to be a poppa sized hole left in our lives, but I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re all happy we got to spend time with you, and we have so many amazing memories together.
I’ll never forget the nights of fish and chips in the back of the van down in Mission Bay and Madills Farm. Definitely a highlight of our childhood that we would always look forward to every weekend.
Hope you’re having a nice, ice cold lion red at the big TAB in the sky.
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