This is the People Pleasing Paradox:
You want to please all of the people all of the time, but instead end up pleasing no one at all.
You know the feeling you get when you have to choose between saying what you actually think, and what you believe others want you to think?
The angel on your shoulder says “You know better than this, speak up for yourself.” Meanwhile, the devil on the other shoulder says “But everyone else is doing it, and you want to be cool don’t you?”
And where do you end up?
Usually somewhere in between, with a disappointed devil on one shoulder, and an annoyed angel on the other… Nice work, idiot…
This is the People Pleasing Paradox:
You want to please all of the people all of the time, but instead end up pleasing no one at all - often crossing moral boundaries or going against values to keep people happy.
Decisions, decisions.
In any given scenario involving a choice, we end up at a decision junction.
As a people pleaser, I’ve found there are often two paths I can choose from - to say or do what I think others would want, or to say or do what I actually want.
The problem, though, is that I regularly end up somewhere in between - which isn’t helpful to anyone.
As I go on my people pleasing recovery journey I find this happens more regularly - because I’m trying to set boundaries, but don’t fully commit.
How the hell is that helpful to anyone and what can I do about it?!
When the people pleaser in you has to make a decision, it takes some time and effort before you can actually decide what you want.
People pleasers like myself, will sacrifice their own time, sanity and wellbeing in the interest of others. They tend to fall into the trap of thinking they can please everyone, have to be liked by everyone and that other people are always right.
The funny thing is though, the more you try to make people like you, the less they will. They’ll just walk all over you and disrespect you.
This is the classic “Backwards Law” made famous by Alan Watts - the more you pursue something, the more likely you are to get the opposite result.
As people pleasers, we spend so much time trying to make sure we don’t upset anyone that we forget about what makes us happy and lose sight of our own needs and desires.
This can lead to a cycle of seeking approval and validation, which can be exhausting, and lead to decision paralysis.
How many times have you used the phrase “I don’t mind, whatever you want”? Even when it’s the simplest of decisions like what movie to watch, which shirt to buy or where to go for lunch?
If we struggle this much with the easy decisions, then how the hell are we supposed to cope with the big decisions, or questionable decisions, or decisions that challenge our morals and values…?
Well, we have to constantly remind ourselves that it’s okay to disagree with people.
Remember, we don’t have to please everyone, and by not speaking our minds we’re robbing people of our true thoughts and feelings.
We’re better off fully committing to something and pissing someone off, than half committing to both and ending up in the middle of the People Pleasing Paradox - where we please no one at all.
A Practical Tip - I still find myself saying “I genuinely don’t mind!” (which is sometimes true) all the bloody time! But when I say something stupid like that, I try to catch myself and follow up with “but I’m 49% for X, and 51% for Y”. That way, I’ve at least made SOME sort of decision or given my opinion - even without a full commitment, it’s a start.
The first step is to give yourself permission to think about what YOU want.
It’s hard, like, really hard to know what you want sometimes. But you’re going to have to try.
As they say, practice makes permanent, so start with baby steps. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to stop and think about what you actually want, then put it into practice.
It’s okay to take a breath to pause and reflect. In a world of instant gratifications and the need for everything to be now, now, now - give yourself some space to think about you for a change.
What is it that you actually want?
Remember, we have to take care of ourselves first, because self-care is the foundation of a healthy life. Fuck what others are doing or thinking, we have to stay true to ourselves.
As I mentioned in a previous post - we’re the superhero in our own story, everyone else is just a side-character - so act like it!
The best thing to do is just to start. Start small, and try to always have an opinion or make a decision. The decisions don’t always have to be the right ones, but they have to be made.
“What do you want to eat tonight?” Chicken Burger and Cheesy Chips, obviously. (probably not the healthiest decision, but a decision nonetheless)
“Which shirt looks better on me?” The red one. “But I like the blue one better” "The red one looks better." (Your partner will always appreciate your honest answer, even if you’re wrong)
“Can you take on this extra responsibility at work for no extra recognition or pay?” Absolutely fucking not. (This might take some time to get there, but here’s our end goal - confidence!)
Setting boundaries takes practice.
Everything that’s worth doing takes effort and you’ll probably fail heaps on the way - but I promise you, it’s all worth it in the end. I’m sure you’ve heard a version of this before, but it’s true. Cliches often are.
Start small, and be consistent. The road to recovery and setting healthy boundaries is a long one - but you have to keep going!
If you’re like me you’ll find yourself fucking this up over and over again - but as Chumbawamba once famously said “I get knocked, I get up again, cos you’re never gonna keep me down.”
Soon we’ll all be singing when we’re winning, all of us adorable, recovering people pleasers!
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